24 decembrie 2014

20 and a Christmas


It`s so nice :3
I have a tiny Christmas tree in my room with Christmas lights, a glass of champagne by my right, I`m wearing my fav. red dress, I`ve lit up a candle and put some essence in a bowl. Everything is so relaxing and nice, too bad I feel like I~m dreaming and nothing is real again.
Today was the first time in years when we actually had a family meal during Christmas and it was fantastic, we laughed a lot at my mum because she has this badluck of getting herself injured all the time :D. My mum actually put the gifts UNDER the tree, for the first time. She called us to come see what is under it too soon but I appreciate the fact that she didn`t directly give it to us again or put somewhere near the pillow/under it/on the desk again. She gave me a beautiful dark red scarf, I absolutely love it!

[awesome cover o.o https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqKZ_WIK5ms&index=3&list=RDIhqqZN0H7CI]


I feel somehow numb but it`s fine. I`ll probably sleep soon or drink some more and then sleep. I feel peaceful somehow and I really like what is going on here now. Everything is relaxing and... beautiful.
I want snow, I really really do want snow! I guess I don`t have anything deep to say today :D Yesterday I was sad again because I`m losing faith in humanity more and more but remember, future me: don`t let yourself down. You`ve been through a lot, I have faith in you! I know you`re a strong person deep down, you don`t have to change, you don`t want to change. Be the same person you are and give your ideas of becoming a more dishonest person or chanching into a bad person. It will do you no good and you know that. Please, don`t give up what you are now.
Have a merry, merry Christmas, 20 y.o. me! :)

30 noiembrie 2014

stuff i suck at


Ok so I really have to write this post to let all the shit from my heart go out and feel free. Stuff I suck at:

1. being honest with myself
2. being myself
3. relationships. Really, I`ve only had 1 cause i`m affraid of commitment and when guys like me I kinda freak out
4. Love. I either not love at all and I can`t tell when someone cares about me or I love with all my heart and soul and I love too much and I get too involved and then I become this weird maniac who thinks about that person all fucking day and wants to see that person a lot. Like... every day.
5. Having one stable personality. I~m either incredibly lady- like and cultured and shit, or I become some kind of junkie who cares only about booze and punk music and sometimes weed.
6. Finishing the stuff I start
7. Taking my pills. I don`t take strong pills, usually they`re vitamins or stuff for cold but I hate taking pills, they make me feel like I`m addicted to them and I`m some grandma who`s close to dying and needs her pills
8. Doing what I always wanted to, Like donating for charity.
9. Being a good person. I don`t do anything to make this society better altough I always complain about it.
10. Being free. Sometimes I just lay in bed all day and I`m trapped in the Internet world wich consist of Facebook - deviantart - viral nova - buzzfeed - descopera. ro
11. Being cultured. I don`t even finish reading the articles I`m interested in sometimes cause I`m too lazy for that shit. And I pretend to know a lot of stuff when I actually have little info about that stuff but because I know more than other people about subject x, they think I`m cultured.
12. Being there for my friends. Sometimes my best friend talks to me about her problems and I don`t seem to care at all. What kind of friend does that?!
13. Being unemotional. I care too much about stuff I shouldn`t care so much. When someone I know and care about tells me that they`re unhappy with something, even tough it`s small and they`ll get through it, I`m so devastated that I actually need to go away from the computer [this is how I mostly talk to people] and think about that shit  for a while cause i can`t look at the conversaion anymore. Sometimes I cry. I know, this and point 12 don`t match at all but as I said: personalities.
14. The just-me-and-my-toughts shit. Everytime I think about something I think of how I look when I`m in that moment. And it`s not cause I want to, it just happens. It`s weird and annoying as fuck but I can`t control it. Or I think that someone is by my side and is listening to me when I`m actually just by myself.
15. Not swearing. I say fuck and shit a lot.
16. Getting over my emotional problems.
17. Actually getting shit done. I procrastinate a lot.
18. Confrontation. When I have to talk about something serious with someone  and that person is not in front of me, I just look at the keyboard and type really fast and press enter super fast because I`m afraid of what they might reply.
19. Figuring out how I truly am. Am I childish? Am I a serious person? Am I an introvert, am I a social butterfly? Do I believe in God, am I an atheist? Am I straight, am I bi? Still don`t know.
20. Falling in love. Did this only twice, everytime with the wrong person. Even when i had a relationship I wasn`t in love even tough i really really tried to,
21. Not being influenced by the music I listen to, the books I read or the shows i watch. After I watched Lie to me I reasearched body language a lot and took so seriously that I was actually in the bus reading people`s body language. I still suck at it because of course, I didn`t practice anymore or read anything about it anymore.
22. Reading my internet bookmarks. I have lots of them, maybe even 100 +, I just add the link to my favs. and never go over it again.
23. Drawing. I can do really great stuff cause I`ve got amazing and very original ideas but I lack the tehnique cause I~m a lazy ass human.
24. Keeping my friends.
25. Not being devastated when my friends leave me.
26. Not forgiving people or forgiving them too easily. When someome offends one of my friends, I NEVER forgive them, when someone hurts me a lot and make me suffer a lot I forgive them immdiatly if I saw something in that person.
27. Strenght. I was followed home, I got almost strangled by a 15 y.o. bitch, I got slapped and I couldn`t even give them a punch.
28. Smoking. I`ve been a smoker for 5 years now and I still suck at it because the cigarettes I smoke are incredibly strong and I can`t stand so much smoke in my lungs but I still like them because of that so I`m not changing them.
29. Being there for my parents.
30. Being there for my family. I call my grandparents very rarley altough I love them more than anything in the world.
31. Following people`s adivice. I do it for a maximum of 5 days then I`m back to my old self.
32. Taking a decision and holding onto it.
33. Being clean. I`m so lazy that I don`t wash my hair 2 days a week as I should and sometimes it looks like a broom.
34. Being organized. My stuff is everywhere, now my desk is super clean. In 2 days it won`t be anymore.
35. Being in touch with the world. I`m a day -dreamer, i make up conversations I would like to have in my head but the only person talking is me.
36. Controlling myself when I talk about something that really affects me. If I talk about this with someone in person, I start crying. It happened a few times, 2 or 3 times and I couldn`t stop crying so unless I know I can control myself, I never talk about such things with another person, especially if that person is involved in the problem.
37. Not being paranoid about my behaviour. Everytime I feel like I~m trying too hard with something or I believe that I`m talking too much with a person and they`re not really in the mood to talk so much with me, I ask them if that`s ok, if they`re not bothered. If they tell me it`s ok, I believe they only say that to be polite.
38. Taking care of myself. I self- destroy myself. I overthink problems, I smoke a lot, I skip meals, I don`t exercise and I don`t give a shit about it. Sometimes when I`m really down I grab a cigarette and drink coke just because I know it will hurt me and that feels good in some way because I believe I deserve it.
39. Having self - confidence. Even tough I know that people say good things about me and that my close friends have a good opinion about me, when I`m around other people I move weirdly because I`m kind of awkward and my self- confidence is 0.
40. Appreciating my body. I can`t find anything good at it, tonight I realised I finally like the way my hands look. I think my body is quite a mess because I`m underweight, the only thing I like is my face. And my hair, I fucking love it!
41. Improving my literary skills. I don`t even care, I write because I want to and I never go again over what I wrote.
42. Not giving a fuck about anything.
43. Giving a fuck about stuff. It depends on the situation. When I should care, I don`t, when I shouldn`t, I do.
44. Remembering things. I don`t rememer how I used to be 2 years ago, I can`t put my memories cronologically correct. I sometimes say something and I forget or people tell me stuff and if it`s not important enough for me, I delete it from my memory. For exemple, if a friend of mine tells me some of their memories, I remember every detail, if they tell me that in an hour they have to meet with someone and it`s very important, I forget the second they told me that.
45. Remembering birthdays, anniverseries, ages, majors and anything like that.

I think that`s all for now.
Here, another cool song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ2LWI5iOYY&list=FLcmk0FelCS4_aOxLbraRUwg&index=5

Conclusion: I suck.

28 noiembrie 2014

Macabre moi

this fucking song...

what`s up, me?

Oh, you know, just listening to the same sad songs over and over again, then go to the creepy ones, then go back to blue. Cause these are my only mood lately: black and blue, dark, TARDIS-blue.

'You gave me two cigarettes to smoke my tears away...' [listen to the fucking song!]

My mum came yesterday, her medical tests are allright, she doesn`t have anything bad. Well, not as bad as I tought, anyway. So, what is it then?
you know what it is!

Why am even writing this?
Oh, right, because last week you did a mistake and you smoked what you shouldn`t have and you wrote some shit and you probably want to see it in 6 months- one fucking year- 10 years -never.
So, here we go. This is how broken your subconsiousness is and how fucked up you are:

[btw, erai in cafeneaua aia misto care iti place enorm  aici, era si sushi kid si tipul ala care canta misto, Paul. Si tu stateai la o masa din colt, cu "Misery" pe masa si cu tigarile in fata, agenda si pixul imprastiate peste tot si ceaiul care se racise. Si-ti tremurau mainile si mintea, mai ales mintea.]

"Realitatea mea se sparge iar mintea-mi
risipita in mii de coturi incerc
sa o adun, bucata cu bucata, sa o pun la loc.

Mi-e pofta de sangele cald ce curge
din viata, reinviind sufletul mort
pierdut in Universuri distincte

Ma agat de o ultima suflare si
renasc cu grija pasind in lumea
ce a fost amea
uitata in timp.

Eu sunt luumina intuneric viata prezent viitor timp amintiri!
Ia-mi mana.
Atinge degetele ce cauta in neant negrul
mintii mele
ma apuca de suflet, aruncandu-l spre
o alta lume care nu-i a mea

Simt ca traiesc,Sunt nascuta iar
sub un alt semn,
Capul meu e cap?
Mainile mele apuca alte maini calde ma ridica dar cad

trezeste-ma! tip din pustiu
desertul e atat de aproape de mine
il simt in vene inima
pulsand, simt viata
labritinul meu nemaivazut - zbor!
in subconstient.

opreste-te iti zic, ramai aici!
tristete rusine teama
imi deschid ochii de carne - privesc
sunt aici, acum.
M-am trezit.

Don`t blame it cause it doesn`t rhyme and shit, you wrote it when you still had no idea if the real life is real or not, you were in a trance, your mind was struggling to cope with this world. Consider it research, on yourself.

oh and...
Just... drink more wine. Thinking doesn`t help. It never helped you.
They`re going to watch a movie, why won`t you watch it with them? C`mon! You can do better than this ;)

this whole shitty post is useless, perhaps I should actually write something that would help me in the future

Listen, I know! Let`s talk about what you did this week, it will help you remember.
You started the project with your foreign friend, the photo project, you learned how to edit more in photoshop, you did something very creepy and macaber, you caught a cold, you cried before going to bed, you stoped smoking so much, you stoped drinking so much, you ...you suffered, you got worried because of your mum, you decide now to spend a lot of money anymore, you started anothe book, you missed from college, you started playing wow again, you re-talked with a friend and decided he`s quite nice, you missed a lot of people, you had weird dremas [ like purple-skin weird dreams :D] and you tought about how much your love life sucks :D And how you`re gonna die alone with 72 cats ^^ .
Do you even care?
Do I still even care?

You discovered new cool bands and songs, you ... you... you did nothing. The only thing you`re proud about is the photo project. Fix it.

16 martie 2014

Trust?There`s no such thing!

"Going to Hell" - The Pretty Reckless

I tought I stopped being naive, I tought that people were finally by my side, I tought they see things as they actually are,I tought they truly saw the bad character in the story but apparentely things are not always as they seem to be.Opinions are and will always be divided, people will always think from their own perspective,nobody truly gives a damn thing, everyone is for themselves, everyone is judgmental and selfish.
I didn`t trust people before and will not start trusting them now.I don`t have to, people lie, people are deceiving,people pretend and play the victim , why would I trust anyone? Once this person I truly and deeply despise told me something "Don`t trust anyone, don`t trust me, don`t even trust yourself."

23 februarie 2014

knock knock knock energyyyyy

 I feel energic.And I`m watching the Big Bang Theory for a couple of hours aaaaand I ate chocolate and I have too much energy but I~m still here doing nothing.Tooth aches like hell, roommates are gone,I~m bored , I feel like a snail or something >.<  WHERE AM I GOING WITH MY LIFEEEEEE? Fuck -.-" And apparentely I don`t know how to handle relantionships  .I actually suck at this .Really.

11 februarie 2014

Welcome to the good music night!

I am happy.
Listening to "hotel california" from my roommate`s computer.She has really great taste in music.
Today was a nice day ,after I have searched the whole day for articales about psycopaths and serial killers, at some point I went with some....buddies for a pizza.We tried to find a restaurant and we went about 3 hours in circles , one of my buddies started singing something about impossibility and we were constantly laughing and then I came back at home.And I went downstairs and talked with a friend and then solved my problems with another one.I hope so at least.I really did find someone interesting this time like one of those people whom you just can`t afford to lose.You just ..talk to such people, either you want or not, it all comes by itself.
And now I`m with my buddies in my room and we`re all laughing and one of my roommates started listening to Pink Floyd and everything is just so ...peaceful.I wish all days were like this.Just us, no intruders.Just the old ones, not those rude fuckers.And good music, I`m tired of all the hip-hop shit.
I actually like them and they`re ok, they can be nice.I don`t like the others >.>

9 februarie 2014

Panick attack

They say it`s a panick attack.I`ve had these episodes before, and I know it was indeed a panick attack.Yay.I really wonder what`s next.There is stupid asshole girl in the place I live in now and she jokes about everything and everyone.Dreadful creature.I don`t like her.There`s two of them. Both as annoying and idiot.A good friend told me tonight that people become happier when they feel said, it`s like a defense mechanism. You induct that mood to yourself to basically...ignore the bad things that happened.And you get used to it.
I can`t.I will try to. I am becoming antisocial again.These people are just plain idiots and something tells me that the biggest idiot is me.I wasn`t educated in an enviroment of mockery , everyone was polite around me, none told me things - at home- to make me feel bad.
Bullshit.They actually did, but in a nicer, caring way.
Those idiots around me told me stuff that made me feel horrible  also made me become antisocial ^_^.And then was this guy...this friend, that kind of"best friend",the only guy I have ever fallen in love with ,one of the few people I owe a lot to.And he saved me.And now the same thing is happening again, but in another manner.This time I don`t need to be "saved" anymore.This time I don`t care anymore, fuck them.Fuck them all.I will only stay with the people I like , care about , I`m not supposed to stay with those that have got nothing in their little brains.I have found some people that interest me and as long as I don`t get attached, everything is going to be fine.
Not getting attached.That`s the plan.Altough it feels nice to trust someone, to be able to rely on someone and to live nice moments with that person.But sorry, I`d ruther be apparentely cold and not hurt, than attached and suffering.
"Alone is what I have.Alone protects me."

8 februarie 2014

Cold,sweaty hands, accelerated pulse,dizziness - curiosity

gymnopedie , no.1

Something has been going on lately, I stopped being myself and I wish I knew why.I have started watching Sherlock Holmes and have a real interest in making deductions, I got accustomed to the people, the place ,everything became routine.I want to see the positive thing in life, just as I used to do but now it seems pointless.I feel more arrogant, selfish and introverted than usual, still,I crave foe social relations.Schizotypal, an internet test result said.When I think too much I have the symptomes described in the title of this post..well...not all of them ,I had all of them tonight, in a moment of extreme tension,attention and more of all - curiosity. Also felt cold, it isn`t the first time the room I am in is extremely warm but still I feel cold.This usually happens when I am tense.But my left arm feeling heavy?This was a new , interesting symptom.I looked it up on the Internet,I found panick attacks.Not these symptoms,I didn`t feel suffocated or close to dying or getting insane.There is a website - healthtap.com, I have asked some doctors from this website what is going on and I`m currentely waiting for a reply.The reason I`m posting this in English?It`s an exercise, I enjoy it.

Met someone interesting today,I`ve known him since the beginning of September but never told him anything.He seems arrogant with an obvious lack of culture or style, the kind of person with whom I would never talk. Oh, God! Appearnces can indeed be deceiving. Lack of style..weeeelll...studies Fashion design.Lack of culture?Wouldn`t say so and definetely not arrogant.Interesting.That is all.Asks a lot of questions, too many, I would say.Wants to know answers, thinks he knows a lot about life ,very confident in himself.Quite bad.None knows everything and having too much confidence is definetely not good.But I enjoyed talking to him, it was quite challenging.Untill I got bored.Many questions are not always interesting,challenging,sometimes it all becomes....dull.

These two things are connect.Meeting someone new, and my symptoms.When I got back home I really felt that this day never actually happened.I feel asleep, woke up after two hours because of the noise my roommate`s friends were making.And the strong light.There was something strange about this afternoon, there is somethign strange about these days,about this evening, about these symptoms of mine.I feel  strange.I behave in a strange manner.I need to get a little sense of reality and live in the present or else I won`t be able to control these emotions anymore, people will indeed  grow more distant towards me and I need people to teach me how to handle social situations.I`m not very good at it, apparentely, not for a long period of time.
I also have to practice my arguments more.Apparentely.
Looked it up on the Internet again, it seems like some of these are the symptoms of a heart attack as well.Oh, Sherlock,dear,look what you do to me!
No conclusion this time.I have decided that I should stop adressing to other while writing on this blog,in fact, this is about me.It is my digital diary,only with some visitors.And it is perfect just the way it is.

P.S: when this happens again, dear future me remember this: a tiny bit of red wine, calcium,chocolate,some food -biscuits will do ,classical music and living the moment, at least for a few seconds.It helps.

8 ianuarie 2014


Pasii tai miscandu-se linistiti pe trotuar,prin frunze,pe iarba,pe strada.
Cat de frumos e sa mergi prin ceata care te inconjoara, sa nu vezi pe nimeni trecand pe langa tine, sa mergi inainte, continuu, fiindu-tiuneori teama,uitandu-te-ntoate partile pentru a recunoaste vreun petec de pamant!
 Cerul nu mai este la fel...s-a innegrit si  a inecat soarele.Doi ochi galbeni te privesc apropiindu-se din ce in ce mai mult, apoi trec de tine urmarindu-si in continuare victima. Pomi invaluiti de panze de paianjen, cladiri ascunse privirilor, strazi ce par ca nu duc nicaieri , poduri care nu se mai termina, ape ce doar se aud, fara sa le vezi. Te uiti in jos si vezi ca apa este mica, insa tu esti acolo, pe pod, o auzi involburata,zbuciumata,furioasa, asteptand parca sa te inghita odata cu podul. Ai ceva in cap care iti spune "treci mai repede, uite, acum cade!" insa tu continui sa mergi cu aceeasi intensitate pana ai  trecut. Pomii te privesc cu aceeasi curiozitate cu care tu ii privesti pe ei.Si ei incearca sa te recunoasca, sa isi dea seama de ce ai iesit pe o astfel de vreme, cine esti si ce cauti intr-un astfel de loc. Stai, te plimbi, admiri,privesti. Curand ,lumini incep sa se aprinda peste tot in jurul tau, insa par doar niste lumini de la capetele unor tunele indepartate. Din cand in cand trece cate un om pe langa tine, insa nu te priveste.Tu te uiti la el si ii studiezi trasaturile fetei, piciorul schiopatand, mersul leganat. Il privesti impersonal, ca pe un tablou si mergi mai departe prin ceata.
 Ceata asta binecuvantata! Nimeni nu te stie, nu stie a cui fiica sau al cui fiu esti, ce studiezi, unde te aflii, ce ai facut.Nimeni nu iti stie trecutul, nimeni nu te poate compatimi sau judeca, pentru ca nimeni nu te recunoaste. Sub cerul negru, esti invaluit de un voal protector. Toate secretele tale sunt inchise undeva , intr-o cutie peste care s-a asternut praful. Nu te gandesti la nimic si incepi sa mergi mai departe.Pasii tai pe miscandu-se linistiti pe trotuar, prin frunze, pe iarba, pe strada.