23 februarie 2014

knock knock knock energyyyyy

 I feel energic.And I`m watching the Big Bang Theory for a couple of hours aaaaand I ate chocolate and I have too much energy but I~m still here doing nothing.Tooth aches like hell, roommates are gone,I~m bored , I feel like a snail or something >.<  WHERE AM I GOING WITH MY LIFEEEEEE? Fuck -.-" And apparentely I don`t know how to handle relantionships  .I actually suck at this .Really.

11 februarie 2014

Welcome to the good music night!

I am happy.
Listening to "hotel california" from my roommate`s computer.She has really great taste in music.
Today was a nice day ,after I have searched the whole day for articales about psycopaths and serial killers, at some point I went with some....buddies for a pizza.We tried to find a restaurant and we went about 3 hours in circles , one of my buddies started singing something about impossibility and we were constantly laughing and then I came back at home.And I went downstairs and talked with a friend and then solved my problems with another one.I hope so at least.I really did find someone interesting this time like one of those people whom you just can`t afford to lose.You just ..talk to such people, either you want or not, it all comes by itself.
And now I`m with my buddies in my room and we`re all laughing and one of my roommates started listening to Pink Floyd and everything is just so ...peaceful.I wish all days were like this.Just us, no intruders.Just the old ones, not those rude fuckers.And good music, I`m tired of all the hip-hop shit.
I actually like them and they`re ok, they can be nice.I don`t like the others >.>

9 februarie 2014

Panick attack

They say it`s a panick attack.I`ve had these episodes before, and I know it was indeed a panick attack.Yay.I really wonder what`s next.There is stupid asshole girl in the place I live in now and she jokes about everything and everyone.Dreadful creature.I don`t like her.There`s two of them. Both as annoying and idiot.A good friend told me tonight that people become happier when they feel said, it`s like a defense mechanism. You induct that mood to yourself to basically...ignore the bad things that happened.And you get used to it.
I can`t.I will try to. I am becoming antisocial again.These people are just plain idiots and something tells me that the biggest idiot is me.I wasn`t educated in an enviroment of mockery , everyone was polite around me, none told me things - at home- to make me feel bad.
Bullshit.They actually did, but in a nicer, caring way.
Those idiots around me told me stuff that made me feel horrible  also made me become antisocial ^_^.And then was this guy...this friend, that kind of"best friend",the only guy I have ever fallen in love with ,one of the few people I owe a lot to.And he saved me.And now the same thing is happening again, but in another manner.This time I don`t need to be "saved" anymore.This time I don`t care anymore, fuck them.Fuck them all.I will only stay with the people I like , care about , I`m not supposed to stay with those that have got nothing in their little brains.I have found some people that interest me and as long as I don`t get attached, everything is going to be fine.
Not getting attached.That`s the plan.Altough it feels nice to trust someone, to be able to rely on someone and to live nice moments with that person.But sorry, I`d ruther be apparentely cold and not hurt, than attached and suffering.
"Alone is what I have.Alone protects me."

8 februarie 2014

Cold,sweaty hands, accelerated pulse,dizziness - curiosity

gymnopedie , no.1

Something has been going on lately, I stopped being myself and I wish I knew why.I have started watching Sherlock Holmes and have a real interest in making deductions, I got accustomed to the people, the place ,everything became routine.I want to see the positive thing in life, just as I used to do but now it seems pointless.I feel more arrogant, selfish and introverted than usual, still,I crave foe social relations.Schizotypal, an internet test result said.When I think too much I have the symptomes described in the title of this post..well...not all of them ,I had all of them tonight, in a moment of extreme tension,attention and more of all - curiosity. Also felt cold, it isn`t the first time the room I am in is extremely warm but still I feel cold.This usually happens when I am tense.But my left arm feeling heavy?This was a new , interesting symptom.I looked it up on the Internet,I found panick attacks.Not these symptoms,I didn`t feel suffocated or close to dying or getting insane.There is a website - healthtap.com, I have asked some doctors from this website what is going on and I`m currentely waiting for a reply.The reason I`m posting this in English?It`s an exercise, I enjoy it.

Met someone interesting today,I`ve known him since the beginning of September but never told him anything.He seems arrogant with an obvious lack of culture or style, the kind of person with whom I would never talk. Oh, God! Appearnces can indeed be deceiving. Lack of style..weeeelll...studies Fashion design.Lack of culture?Wouldn`t say so and definetely not arrogant.Interesting.That is all.Asks a lot of questions, too many, I would say.Wants to know answers, thinks he knows a lot about life ,very confident in himself.Quite bad.None knows everything and having too much confidence is definetely not good.But I enjoyed talking to him, it was quite challenging.Untill I got bored.Many questions are not always interesting,challenging,sometimes it all becomes....dull.

These two things are connect.Meeting someone new, and my symptoms.When I got back home I really felt that this day never actually happened.I feel asleep, woke up after two hours because of the noise my roommate`s friends were making.And the strong light.There was something strange about this afternoon, there is somethign strange about these days,about this evening, about these symptoms of mine.I feel  strange.I behave in a strange manner.I need to get a little sense of reality and live in the present or else I won`t be able to control these emotions anymore, people will indeed  grow more distant towards me and I need people to teach me how to handle social situations.I`m not very good at it, apparentely, not for a long period of time.
I also have to practice my arguments more.Apparentely.
Looked it up on the Internet again, it seems like some of these are the symptoms of a heart attack as well.Oh, Sherlock,dear,look what you do to me!
No conclusion this time.I have decided that I should stop adressing to other while writing on this blog,in fact, this is about me.It is my digital diary,only with some visitors.And it is perfect just the way it is.

P.S: when this happens again, dear future me remember this: a tiny bit of red wine, calcium,chocolate,some food -biscuits will do ,classical music and living the moment, at least for a few seconds.It helps.