8 februarie 2014

Cold,sweaty hands, accelerated pulse,dizziness - curiosity

gymnopedie , no.1

Something has been going on lately, I stopped being myself and I wish I knew why.I have started watching Sherlock Holmes and have a real interest in making deductions, I got accustomed to the people, the place ,everything became routine.I want to see the positive thing in life, just as I used to do but now it seems pointless.I feel more arrogant, selfish and introverted than usual, still,I crave foe social relations.Schizotypal, an internet test result said.When I think too much I have the symptomes described in the title of this post..well...not all of them ,I had all of them tonight, in a moment of extreme tension,attention and more of all - curiosity. Also felt cold, it isn`t the first time the room I am in is extremely warm but still I feel cold.This usually happens when I am tense.But my left arm feeling heavy?This was a new , interesting symptom.I looked it up on the Internet,I found panick attacks.Not these symptoms,I didn`t feel suffocated or close to dying or getting insane.There is a website - healthtap.com, I have asked some doctors from this website what is going on and I`m currentely waiting for a reply.The reason I`m posting this in English?It`s an exercise, I enjoy it.

Met someone interesting today,I`ve known him since the beginning of September but never told him anything.He seems arrogant with an obvious lack of culture or style, the kind of person with whom I would never talk. Oh, God! Appearnces can indeed be deceiving. Lack of style..weeeelll...studies Fashion design.Lack of culture?Wouldn`t say so and definetely not arrogant.Interesting.That is all.Asks a lot of questions, too many, I would say.Wants to know answers, thinks he knows a lot about life ,very confident in himself.Quite bad.None knows everything and having too much confidence is definetely not good.But I enjoyed talking to him, it was quite challenging.Untill I got bored.Many questions are not always interesting,challenging,sometimes it all becomes....dull.

These two things are connect.Meeting someone new, and my symptoms.When I got back home I really felt that this day never actually happened.I feel asleep, woke up after two hours because of the noise my roommate`s friends were making.And the strong light.There was something strange about this afternoon, there is somethign strange about these days,about this evening, about these symptoms of mine.I feel  strange.I behave in a strange manner.I need to get a little sense of reality and live in the present or else I won`t be able to control these emotions anymore, people will indeed  grow more distant towards me and I need people to teach me how to handle social situations.I`m not very good at it, apparentely, not for a long period of time.
I also have to practice my arguments more.Apparentely.
Looked it up on the Internet again, it seems like some of these are the symptoms of a heart attack as well.Oh, Sherlock,dear,look what you do to me!
No conclusion this time.I have decided that I should stop adressing to other while writing on this blog,in fact, this is about me.It is my digital diary,only with some visitors.And it is perfect just the way it is.

P.S: when this happens again, dear future me remember this: a tiny bit of red wine, calcium,chocolate,some food -biscuits will do ,classical music and living the moment, at least for a few seconds.It helps.

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