30 noiembrie 2014

stuff i suck at


Ok so I really have to write this post to let all the shit from my heart go out and feel free. Stuff I suck at:

1. being honest with myself
2. being myself
3. relationships. Really, I`ve only had 1 cause i`m affraid of commitment and when guys like me I kinda freak out
4. Love. I either not love at all and I can`t tell when someone cares about me or I love with all my heart and soul and I love too much and I get too involved and then I become this weird maniac who thinks about that person all fucking day and wants to see that person a lot. Like... every day.
5. Having one stable personality. I~m either incredibly lady- like and cultured and shit, or I become some kind of junkie who cares only about booze and punk music and sometimes weed.
6. Finishing the stuff I start
7. Taking my pills. I don`t take strong pills, usually they`re vitamins or stuff for cold but I hate taking pills, they make me feel like I`m addicted to them and I`m some grandma who`s close to dying and needs her pills
8. Doing what I always wanted to, Like donating for charity.
9. Being a good person. I don`t do anything to make this society better altough I always complain about it.
10. Being free. Sometimes I just lay in bed all day and I`m trapped in the Internet world wich consist of Facebook - deviantart - viral nova - buzzfeed - descopera. ro
11. Being cultured. I don`t even finish reading the articles I`m interested in sometimes cause I`m too lazy for that shit. And I pretend to know a lot of stuff when I actually have little info about that stuff but because I know more than other people about subject x, they think I`m cultured.
12. Being there for my friends. Sometimes my best friend talks to me about her problems and I don`t seem to care at all. What kind of friend does that?!
13. Being unemotional. I care too much about stuff I shouldn`t care so much. When someone I know and care about tells me that they`re unhappy with something, even tough it`s small and they`ll get through it, I`m so devastated that I actually need to go away from the computer [this is how I mostly talk to people] and think about that shit  for a while cause i can`t look at the conversaion anymore. Sometimes I cry. I know, this and point 12 don`t match at all but as I said: personalities.
14. The just-me-and-my-toughts shit. Everytime I think about something I think of how I look when I`m in that moment. And it`s not cause I want to, it just happens. It`s weird and annoying as fuck but I can`t control it. Or I think that someone is by my side and is listening to me when I`m actually just by myself.
15. Not swearing. I say fuck and shit a lot.
16. Getting over my emotional problems.
17. Actually getting shit done. I procrastinate a lot.
18. Confrontation. When I have to talk about something serious with someone  and that person is not in front of me, I just look at the keyboard and type really fast and press enter super fast because I`m afraid of what they might reply.
19. Figuring out how I truly am. Am I childish? Am I a serious person? Am I an introvert, am I a social butterfly? Do I believe in God, am I an atheist? Am I straight, am I bi? Still don`t know.
20. Falling in love. Did this only twice, everytime with the wrong person. Even when i had a relationship I wasn`t in love even tough i really really tried to,
21. Not being influenced by the music I listen to, the books I read or the shows i watch. After I watched Lie to me I reasearched body language a lot and took so seriously that I was actually in the bus reading people`s body language. I still suck at it because of course, I didn`t practice anymore or read anything about it anymore.
22. Reading my internet bookmarks. I have lots of them, maybe even 100 +, I just add the link to my favs. and never go over it again.
23. Drawing. I can do really great stuff cause I`ve got amazing and very original ideas but I lack the tehnique cause I~m a lazy ass human.
24. Keeping my friends.
25. Not being devastated when my friends leave me.
26. Not forgiving people or forgiving them too easily. When someome offends one of my friends, I NEVER forgive them, when someone hurts me a lot and make me suffer a lot I forgive them immdiatly if I saw something in that person.
27. Strenght. I was followed home, I got almost strangled by a 15 y.o. bitch, I got slapped and I couldn`t even give them a punch.
28. Smoking. I`ve been a smoker for 5 years now and I still suck at it because the cigarettes I smoke are incredibly strong and I can`t stand so much smoke in my lungs but I still like them because of that so I`m not changing them.
29. Being there for my parents.
30. Being there for my family. I call my grandparents very rarley altough I love them more than anything in the world.
31. Following people`s adivice. I do it for a maximum of 5 days then I`m back to my old self.
32. Taking a decision and holding onto it.
33. Being clean. I`m so lazy that I don`t wash my hair 2 days a week as I should and sometimes it looks like a broom.
34. Being organized. My stuff is everywhere, now my desk is super clean. In 2 days it won`t be anymore.
35. Being in touch with the world. I`m a day -dreamer, i make up conversations I would like to have in my head but the only person talking is me.
36. Controlling myself when I talk about something that really affects me. If I talk about this with someone in person, I start crying. It happened a few times, 2 or 3 times and I couldn`t stop crying so unless I know I can control myself, I never talk about such things with another person, especially if that person is involved in the problem.
37. Not being paranoid about my behaviour. Everytime I feel like I~m trying too hard with something or I believe that I`m talking too much with a person and they`re not really in the mood to talk so much with me, I ask them if that`s ok, if they`re not bothered. If they tell me it`s ok, I believe they only say that to be polite.
38. Taking care of myself. I self- destroy myself. I overthink problems, I smoke a lot, I skip meals, I don`t exercise and I don`t give a shit about it. Sometimes when I`m really down I grab a cigarette and drink coke just because I know it will hurt me and that feels good in some way because I believe I deserve it.
39. Having self - confidence. Even tough I know that people say good things about me and that my close friends have a good opinion about me, when I`m around other people I move weirdly because I`m kind of awkward and my self- confidence is 0.
40. Appreciating my body. I can`t find anything good at it, tonight I realised I finally like the way my hands look. I think my body is quite a mess because I`m underweight, the only thing I like is my face. And my hair, I fucking love it!
41. Improving my literary skills. I don`t even care, I write because I want to and I never go again over what I wrote.
42. Not giving a fuck about anything.
43. Giving a fuck about stuff. It depends on the situation. When I should care, I don`t, when I shouldn`t, I do.
44. Remembering things. I don`t rememer how I used to be 2 years ago, I can`t put my memories cronologically correct. I sometimes say something and I forget or people tell me stuff and if it`s not important enough for me, I delete it from my memory. For exemple, if a friend of mine tells me some of their memories, I remember every detail, if they tell me that in an hour they have to meet with someone and it`s very important, I forget the second they told me that.
45. Remembering birthdays, anniverseries, ages, majors and anything like that.

I think that`s all for now.
Here, another cool song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ2LWI5iOYY&list=FLcmk0FelCS4_aOxLbraRUwg&index=5

Conclusion: I suck.

28 noiembrie 2014

Macabre moi

this fucking song...

what`s up, me?

Oh, you know, just listening to the same sad songs over and over again, then go to the creepy ones, then go back to blue. Cause these are my only mood lately: black and blue, dark, TARDIS-blue.

'You gave me two cigarettes to smoke my tears away...' [listen to the fucking song!]

My mum came yesterday, her medical tests are allright, she doesn`t have anything bad. Well, not as bad as I tought, anyway. So, what is it then?
you know what it is!

Why am even writing this?
Oh, right, because last week you did a mistake and you smoked what you shouldn`t have and you wrote some shit and you probably want to see it in 6 months- one fucking year- 10 years -never.
So, here we go. This is how broken your subconsiousness is and how fucked up you are:

[btw, erai in cafeneaua aia misto care iti place enorm  aici, era si sushi kid si tipul ala care canta misto, Paul. Si tu stateai la o masa din colt, cu "Misery" pe masa si cu tigarile in fata, agenda si pixul imprastiate peste tot si ceaiul care se racise. Si-ti tremurau mainile si mintea, mai ales mintea.]

"Realitatea mea se sparge iar mintea-mi
risipita in mii de coturi incerc
sa o adun, bucata cu bucata, sa o pun la loc.

Mi-e pofta de sangele cald ce curge
din viata, reinviind sufletul mort
pierdut in Universuri distincte

Ma agat de o ultima suflare si
renasc cu grija pasind in lumea
ce a fost amea
uitata in timp.

Eu sunt luumina intuneric viata prezent viitor timp amintiri!
Ia-mi mana.
Atinge degetele ce cauta in neant negrul
mintii mele
ma apuca de suflet, aruncandu-l spre
o alta lume care nu-i a mea

Simt ca traiesc,Sunt nascuta iar
sub un alt semn,
Capul meu e cap?
Mainile mele apuca alte maini calde ma ridica dar cad

trezeste-ma! tip din pustiu
desertul e atat de aproape de mine
il simt in vene inima
pulsand, simt viata
labritinul meu nemaivazut - zbor!
in subconstient.

opreste-te iti zic, ramai aici!
tristete rusine teama
imi deschid ochii de carne - privesc
sunt aici, acum.
M-am trezit.

Don`t blame it cause it doesn`t rhyme and shit, you wrote it when you still had no idea if the real life is real or not, you were in a trance, your mind was struggling to cope with this world. Consider it research, on yourself.

oh and...
Just... drink more wine. Thinking doesn`t help. It never helped you.
They`re going to watch a movie, why won`t you watch it with them? C`mon! You can do better than this ;)

this whole shitty post is useless, perhaps I should actually write something that would help me in the future

Listen, I know! Let`s talk about what you did this week, it will help you remember.
You started the project with your foreign friend, the photo project, you learned how to edit more in photoshop, you did something very creepy and macaber, you caught a cold, you cried before going to bed, you stoped smoking so much, you stoped drinking so much, you ...you suffered, you got worried because of your mum, you decide now to spend a lot of money anymore, you started anothe book, you missed from college, you started playing wow again, you re-talked with a friend and decided he`s quite nice, you missed a lot of people, you had weird dremas [ like purple-skin weird dreams :D] and you tought about how much your love life sucks :D And how you`re gonna die alone with 72 cats ^^ .
Do you even care?
Do I still even care?

You discovered new cool bands and songs, you ... you... you did nothing. The only thing you`re proud about is the photo project. Fix it.