30 noiembrie 2014

stuff i suck at


Ok so I really have to write this post to let all the shit from my heart go out and feel free. Stuff I suck at:

1. being honest with myself
2. being myself
3. relationships. Really, I`ve only had 1 cause i`m affraid of commitment and when guys like me I kinda freak out
4. Love. I either not love at all and I can`t tell when someone cares about me or I love with all my heart and soul and I love too much and I get too involved and then I become this weird maniac who thinks about that person all fucking day and wants to see that person a lot. Like... every day.
5. Having one stable personality. I~m either incredibly lady- like and cultured and shit, or I become some kind of junkie who cares only about booze and punk music and sometimes weed.
6. Finishing the stuff I start
7. Taking my pills. I don`t take strong pills, usually they`re vitamins or stuff for cold but I hate taking pills, they make me feel like I`m addicted to them and I`m some grandma who`s close to dying and needs her pills
8. Doing what I always wanted to, Like donating for charity.
9. Being a good person. I don`t do anything to make this society better altough I always complain about it.
10. Being free. Sometimes I just lay in bed all day and I`m trapped in the Internet world wich consist of Facebook - deviantart - viral nova - buzzfeed - descopera. ro
11. Being cultured. I don`t even finish reading the articles I`m interested in sometimes cause I`m too lazy for that shit. And I pretend to know a lot of stuff when I actually have little info about that stuff but because I know more than other people about subject x, they think I`m cultured.
12. Being there for my friends. Sometimes my best friend talks to me about her problems and I don`t seem to care at all. What kind of friend does that?!
13. Being unemotional. I care too much about stuff I shouldn`t care so much. When someone I know and care about tells me that they`re unhappy with something, even tough it`s small and they`ll get through it, I`m so devastated that I actually need to go away from the computer [this is how I mostly talk to people] and think about that shit  for a while cause i can`t look at the conversaion anymore. Sometimes I cry. I know, this and point 12 don`t match at all but as I said: personalities.
14. The just-me-and-my-toughts shit. Everytime I think about something I think of how I look when I`m in that moment. And it`s not cause I want to, it just happens. It`s weird and annoying as fuck but I can`t control it. Or I think that someone is by my side and is listening to me when I`m actually just by myself.
15. Not swearing. I say fuck and shit a lot.
16. Getting over my emotional problems.
17. Actually getting shit done. I procrastinate a lot.
18. Confrontation. When I have to talk about something serious with someone  and that person is not in front of me, I just look at the keyboard and type really fast and press enter super fast because I`m afraid of what they might reply.
19. Figuring out how I truly am. Am I childish? Am I a serious person? Am I an introvert, am I a social butterfly? Do I believe in God, am I an atheist? Am I straight, am I bi? Still don`t know.
20. Falling in love. Did this only twice, everytime with the wrong person. Even when i had a relationship I wasn`t in love even tough i really really tried to,
21. Not being influenced by the music I listen to, the books I read or the shows i watch. After I watched Lie to me I reasearched body language a lot and took so seriously that I was actually in the bus reading people`s body language. I still suck at it because of course, I didn`t practice anymore or read anything about it anymore.
22. Reading my internet bookmarks. I have lots of them, maybe even 100 +, I just add the link to my favs. and never go over it again.
23. Drawing. I can do really great stuff cause I`ve got amazing and very original ideas but I lack the tehnique cause I~m a lazy ass human.
24. Keeping my friends.
25. Not being devastated when my friends leave me.
26. Not forgiving people or forgiving them too easily. When someome offends one of my friends, I NEVER forgive them, when someone hurts me a lot and make me suffer a lot I forgive them immdiatly if I saw something in that person.
27. Strenght. I was followed home, I got almost strangled by a 15 y.o. bitch, I got slapped and I couldn`t even give them a punch.
28. Smoking. I`ve been a smoker for 5 years now and I still suck at it because the cigarettes I smoke are incredibly strong and I can`t stand so much smoke in my lungs but I still like them because of that so I`m not changing them.
29. Being there for my parents.
30. Being there for my family. I call my grandparents very rarley altough I love them more than anything in the world.
31. Following people`s adivice. I do it for a maximum of 5 days then I`m back to my old self.
32. Taking a decision and holding onto it.
33. Being clean. I`m so lazy that I don`t wash my hair 2 days a week as I should and sometimes it looks like a broom.
34. Being organized. My stuff is everywhere, now my desk is super clean. In 2 days it won`t be anymore.
35. Being in touch with the world. I`m a day -dreamer, i make up conversations I would like to have in my head but the only person talking is me.
36. Controlling myself when I talk about something that really affects me. If I talk about this with someone in person, I start crying. It happened a few times, 2 or 3 times and I couldn`t stop crying so unless I know I can control myself, I never talk about such things with another person, especially if that person is involved in the problem.
37. Not being paranoid about my behaviour. Everytime I feel like I~m trying too hard with something or I believe that I`m talking too much with a person and they`re not really in the mood to talk so much with me, I ask them if that`s ok, if they`re not bothered. If they tell me it`s ok, I believe they only say that to be polite.
38. Taking care of myself. I self- destroy myself. I overthink problems, I smoke a lot, I skip meals, I don`t exercise and I don`t give a shit about it. Sometimes when I`m really down I grab a cigarette and drink coke just because I know it will hurt me and that feels good in some way because I believe I deserve it.
39. Having self - confidence. Even tough I know that people say good things about me and that my close friends have a good opinion about me, when I`m around other people I move weirdly because I`m kind of awkward and my self- confidence is 0.
40. Appreciating my body. I can`t find anything good at it, tonight I realised I finally like the way my hands look. I think my body is quite a mess because I`m underweight, the only thing I like is my face. And my hair, I fucking love it!
41. Improving my literary skills. I don`t even care, I write because I want to and I never go again over what I wrote.
42. Not giving a fuck about anything.
43. Giving a fuck about stuff. It depends on the situation. When I should care, I don`t, when I shouldn`t, I do.
44. Remembering things. I don`t rememer how I used to be 2 years ago, I can`t put my memories cronologically correct. I sometimes say something and I forget or people tell me stuff and if it`s not important enough for me, I delete it from my memory. For exemple, if a friend of mine tells me some of their memories, I remember every detail, if they tell me that in an hour they have to meet with someone and it`s very important, I forget the second they told me that.
45. Remembering birthdays, anniverseries, ages, majors and anything like that.

I think that`s all for now.
Here, another cool song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ2LWI5iOYY&list=FLcmk0FelCS4_aOxLbraRUwg&index=5

Conclusion: I suck.

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